The primary topic of conversation between divorced parents ought to be always focused on children. Parents need to be very clear about their roles. They need to have one common viewpoint regarding the future of their child.

• What school should the child go to?
• What activities should the child be involved in?
• What sort of friends should the child have?

In the beginning, soon after the divorce, communication between parents ought to be frequent and amiable. This ought to be followed to ensure that the child is able to adjust to the new situation. But, these discussions can be reduced to once a month as the child grows and does not need frequent mentoring. But parents need to be in constant communication with each other to know what is happening in the child’s life.

The essence of communication is enhanced when it is done at the right time in the right place. It is important to initiate and keep the lines of communication open when you and your spouse are about to divorce. There is no proper time to tell your kids that you are moving out of the house and will not be there to read them bedtime stories.

Be upfront: Children are sensitive to surroundings. They usually grasp the intricacies of a situation and put two and two together. Thus, it is critical to tell them about your decision right in the beginning. It is better to talk about the divorce in front of them—the why and how of it.

Parents need not indulge in total openness but just simply state that it is happening and explain its reason. At this point, they need to tell the kids how much they tried and are still trying to work out their relationship. But, in case things do not work out, the parents will divorce. Each parent has to explain the divorce proceedings and allay their child’s fears.

Reassurance: When a divorce occurs, children often feel insecure and start wondering about their place in their parents’ lives. This makes it necessary for both the parents to sit the children down and talk to them reassuring them of their love and guidance all the time. This ought to be done to indicate to the child that they are not being abandoned and are not the cause of the divorce.

Listen: Both the parties need to react as parents. They need to place the child in front of their own demands and sensibilities. Parents should be ready to listen to their child’s fears, negative emotions of anger and hatred. They should refrain from using their child as a sounding board and burdening him or her with their own negative emotional baggage. This includes not using the child as a spy to know about the activities of the ex. It also includes avoidance of using the child as a middleman to pass on sharp retorts and messages to the ex. Rather, communication ought to be devoid of any past references – what might have been if your mother/father had not left us?

On the other hand, parents need to listen and understand what their kids are saying.
“My friend has a new mother… Cinderella had a bad stepmother…”
The child really means to tell the parent that she does not want her father to remarry.

Togetherness: Free, open and two-way communication goes a long way in building trust and developing togetherness between the parent and child. A parent has to realise that they should not criticise, blame or even speak contemptuously of the other parent. This could turn the child against the parent spoiling his or her relation with the child. The parent, irrespective of their custody status, needs to establish a one-to-one relationship with the child.

The parent, whether a non-custodial one or the caregiver, has to engage in activities which bring him or her closer to the child. They need to get involved – be interested and closely follow the child’s progress in school and among his// her friends.

Importance: Open communication can contribute to the overall personality development of the child. It boosts their confidence levels giving them a feeling of security born out of love and support from both the parents. In short:

• It helps in their cognitive development helping them to focus on academic opportunities.
• It improves concentration and enjoyment levels with regard to social and leisure activities.
• It minimises feelings of antipathy, anger, aggression and loneliness.
• It helps them in gaining a mature perspective to understanding relationships within and outside the family.

In short, communication can bring a divorced family together and cement relations. But, communication ought to be smooth, clean and focused. Parents need to be aware that communicating with the child immediately after divorce will be tough. But they have to keep trying till the ice is broken.


James Walsh is a freelance writer and copy editor. For more information on getting a Divorce seehttp://www.quickie-divorce.com